even my current favourite song cant seem to cheer me up. call me crazy. call me mad. i just feel like being down. makes my mind clearer. somehow. but im upsetin others. my other half. i dont know why im feelin tis way.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
i feel go0d just now. bein very free. somehow. when i was coming home, walkin from hougang interchange. with my blouse not buttoned properly, walkin very unlady-like. maybe im becomin like my old self. the primary and secondary scho0l siti. de tomboyish person i used to be. but i still feel for guys. de opposite sex.
maybe tis period of bein a grown up is confusing me. somehow. cant explain. i feel like havin short hair. like keira knightly's in bent it like beckham. like erra faziras in kuliah cinta. that lind of hair that still reveals de beauty n sweetness of a girl even though both characters are rough n boyish in their respective movies. but i doubt i can maintain de girlishness if i cut my hair. ill be very guylike. not go0d. i dont think my new frens can accept me that way. thats because they dont know me well. yet. all tis influence must have made me very confused with my identity. but thing is, its not that im goin for a sex change. i just want to be whad i want and feel like i want to. im confused myself.
i was talkin to hanis just now and i was very low and down. its just like my brain is tellin me, "siti, be mo0dy. feel down." and im with the flow instantly. and at a point i wanted to just stop bein so quiet and down and say to hanis, "hahaha..im jokin! relax. im ok lah. no worries k." and blah blah on that im ok and fine. like i usually do when i know that our conversation is gettin very tense and awkward. but i just cant seem to bring myelf to do so. sigh. at least im feelin better and 'lighter' now. it really helps to let out your feelins huh? sigh.
tis is kinda new for me. i felt de pressure of not studyin and feelin very bad like 2 days before my first paper. that day i hadnt touched a single lecture note in de mornin til like late afterno0n. usually i just couldnt be bothered to even study, till of course, de very last minute. however, de days before i did flip through some notes. its damn weird. to me, that is. must be de pressure in tis new environment. i guess im becomin very competitive. i told myself that day that im goin to give it all for de nationals. now i guess im feelin that i need to do well in my academics. tis is so not me then,when i was in my secondary scho0l days. well, i guess ive realised de importance of it all.
i dont think you guys know tis but i was damn unhappy when i got to know that hanis did better than me for o levels. it just pissed de hell out of me at de thought of it. for he is a slacker and he manage to do well. and it wasnt happenin to me. because he worked hard for it after his prelims. damn hard. call it chauvinism. call it jealousy. i wasnt happy. i even cried in front of him when i got to know of his results. hah! that was stupid. when i didnt even cried when i got MY results. gosh that feelin sux. maybe tis whole new 'me' im becomin - de slacker (tomboyish) on de outside but competitive in de inside - is for my own go0d. to hell with people who dont agree or dont want to accept me with my change, that is if it (a new me) happens in de first place. ok that was vulgar. im sorry if i offended anyone. sigh. its hard to please everyone huh? and you may end up not pleasing yourself. sad. i just wish that those who know me and are whad i call 'friends', can accept me in whadever way i am. either i change or not. its tough bein a girl.
comin back to scho0l makes me feel.... well, weird. anyway, i had thought of whad im gonna be when i come back to scho0l. i wanna be alone. quiet. studious. go0d. excel in both academics n cca. role model. able to juggle everythin properly and well. but i know my friends want me to mix with them and all. i love to mix with them. my classmates, vamps sistaz, de 'blo0m' freaks, track mates and basically everyone! but i guess if i change, they will think that im driftin away (divergent..hah!) and dont want to mix around. 'sombong'.. 'action'.. like i said, its hard to please everyone.
ive come to a decision (i hope). im goin to follow my heart as it goes. AND still be aware of de people around me and my surroundings. which means that i have to use my brain as well. (aw.... do i have to??)
i guess im goin to end here. at last i feel like bloggin in again after like 2 weeks of my last long entry. again im sorry if ive offended anyone, either through tis entry or in person (verbally). all de best for those sittin for their exams. in the words of hanis, "have faith". tell yourself that you can because you want because others want the best for you
p/s: i miss you hanis. i do.
broken by love 5:55 pm
I MISS HANIS!!!!!
Monday, June 28, 2004
I CANT CONCENTRATE ON ACCOUNTS!!!
broken by love 10:22 pm
Sunday, June 27, 2004
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
broken by love 5:50 pm
Sunday, June 13, 2004
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
your asshole.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
broken by love 10:30 pm
hmm..lets see whad i've been up to so far.
woke up tis mornin and then became part time cleaner in de house.sheesh. then when i was wiping de windows along de corridor (i was alone at home), tis bangla guy kept lo0kin at me. he must have thought i was a maid. and he was directly behind me! (my block is undergoin a revamp; they were paintin then) i kept talkin to myself.. reassurance. it was sto0pid coz i was like "please dont disturb me..or i will call de police".. sayin to myself.sheesh. then when they actually reachd de ground flo0r, i was like "thank you..luckily you guys are go0d people"..again sayin to myself. thing is,i didnt expect them to come down. i thought they'll be goin upwards to paint de block. whadever then.
after that, i was really considerin of gettin a maid.sigh. i really envy those people with maids. so relax. but ive tried. suggestin and lots of hintings on gettin a maid to my parents but somehow it didnt get to 'em (it usually falls on deaf ears) however, i guess it does do us go0d. like whad my dad says," if we have a maid, then we'll be lazy bums." well,i already am one. guess thats why they dont wish to have a couch potato as a daughter instead. whadever.
at least i had a treat. went out with hanis to compass point. we just went to have lunch at captains co0k and to enjoy each others company, definitely. saw mark richmond and beatrice chia. they're courtin i guess. hanis was sayin that she lo0ks ugly and her skirt doesnt lo0k go0d on her. and he was so proud that he is eatin whad mark richmond was eatin.its just spaghetti... and he did somethin damn sto0pid. i know i shouldnt have suggested it in de first place but i didnt expect him to do it! ok,tis was whad happened. de crew that served him wasnt in his right mind i think coz he gave hanis a fork and a knife to eat spaghetti. then tis lazy bum, dont wish to walk to de counter and ask for a sp0on; its for de sauce. so i just said blankly," use de straw lah.." and then he was grinnin impishly. i was like," hanis,you better dont ar.." but hanis bein hanis, did de most embarrassin thing !! damn sto0pid. but it was also damn funny!!! sto0pid boy.
after that i to0k a bus home while he went for his meetin. damn sto0pid boy noe. why?? because he forgotten to give me de bubble gums that he bought for me when he went malaysia that time. he to0k de trouble to run back to his house to take it after walkin a great distance to de bustop and ended up forgotten to give me.sheesh. slenger
im really not helpin him huh? hahahah... i know! its just fun to see him sayin," fine lar.." and that sad, pathetic yet cute face. damn funny. i find satisfaction and pleasure by doin so. sadist.
and then just now, around 8 plus, i walked to ave 8 with he-grand and gay to buy some stufs at a sinseh store and then walked to hougang green to buy other stufs. i was messagin hanis most of de time so there was tis part where i was suppose to say,i think, "up there" but i said "arab". (pointin to bottles of plum juice to he-grand and sayin "arab".whad de hell?) then i was like "huh?" and then started laughin. he-grand just grinned. hahaha... then i told him i said wrongly. damn sto0pid noe. it was all because of hanis. haiz.. hahaha... we were textin nonsense. i was tellin him if im pregnant with his child then he will leave me and go back to arab saudi and marry some 'minah' there. i call him a M.A.I.D. [Mat Arab In Despair(Denial)] hahaha... so when we were texting, i was like his employer and he's my maid. hahaha... its just super dumb.
i was readin de new paper just now,about tis 11 year old triathlete,de eur0 thingy and race queens. when i was readin on de race queens article, mother and gay was readin de true singapore ghost stories (again). they were talkin (actually gay was doin de talkin) and then i heard him sayin somethin about not wanting to clean de toilet. de topic was workin. then he began blabberin about shites and people not aimin properly and he has to clean it and yada yada.. and then he said that de wants to become a bus driver when he grows up. i was gigglin so much, tryin to not let him see (however,de paper was shakin terribly). he starts talkin bout bein a bus driver and earnin a thousand plus,and sounds really pleased with it. whad kind of a sick bastard wants to be a bus driver?! hahaha... he told us al that before though but it was stil funny when he said it just now;so0 confident.. hahaha...
oh yah..he was also talkin bout killin some people. they were talkin bout some topic. was talkin confidently, tellin mother that he will kill all those people with 'parangs' and al. then i said with much sarcasm that he will run away de moment they tell you ghost stories. wahahahah.... mother laughed. (no,that is not how she laughed. i will be cryin then. pain in de..stomach. laughin at her for laughin like me. sigh... freaks.
WELCOME TO SINGAPORE. HAVE A NICE DAY, SIR.
guess who's back. back again. hanis's dad. back again. guess whos back..guess whos back..guess whos back..guess whos back..gues whos back.. ok. i guess you guys get de idea.
yes! hanis dad is back! yeay! i was askin hanis whether can i be a stewardess but i didnt get any reply. hmm... i wonder whad he thinks.
........ i think i can be a stewardess. ive got de height, de poise, im resplendent, a pert and it seems like an enticing job. am i braggin or just full of confidence?? i really hope de latter. i dont brag.unless im with hanis, my vamp sistaz, close track mates and basically those who can 'tahan' with my nonsense.
i am so0o damn lazy to update on yesterday. but a summary of it should do.
had track trainin. ate ice kacang. laze by de po0l while they swam. meet hanis for a mere 5 mins. had a weird hug. ok,i shouldnt have disclosed that point. hope hanis didnt mind. anw, both of us have been havin a lot of things in our mind so i hope that brain of his can NOT take down tis info. but luckily, everythin (i hope) have been solved.
hah! i knew it. my brother is watchin eur0. he somehow never misses any of this kinda thing. portugal vs greece. not sure whether a goal has been scored. i couldnt be bothered anyway.
umm... i still think i can be a stewardess.
broken by love 12:22 am
im usin de comp to much,bills gonna reach sky high......
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
yesterday was damn fun.
had accounts in de morn.tis is so0 not fun.mrs wan draggd de class which was supposed to end at 11.45 to 1plus! damn her.hahahah.. but its a go0d thing,i must say.coz we were laggin behind i guess. then meet hanis and we went to queensway to buy his shoes.nice! its yellow,very unique.damn nice. went for trainin from there.with my casual adidas shoes.its not even meant for runnin.but i didnt expect to meet up with hanis after class.nevermind la.. tis is called opportunity cost.hahahah... de sprinters were abit iritated.or mebe its only amalia.hahah... whad happend was that angelo(captain) told us to do 3 times of 5om n 8om ONLY but rasul(sprinter senior) told us to do 3 times of 5om,8om n 15om! so0 unexpected!! and we de drills was alittle to0 long.wah.. whackd la,definitely.but it was fun coz shanaz was there!!! damn riot. hahaha...and i saw de other side of ferisha as well.hmm...not bad.quite cheeky.hahaha..unexpected.didnt think she was like that.so fun. must be that bitch la.shanaz. hahaha... she was damn noisy noe,keep on talkin talkin talkin...but she was fun. after that we(me n shanaz) decided to go for a dip in de po0l.asked alot to come along. they were laggin,so me and shanaz went in first.we didnt brin any costumes so we just went in with our sports and shorts.hahaha...damn funny. then sto0pidly,when we were done in de po0l and wantd to go home at around 73o,de rest calld as said they wantd to swim.cheh. al de while we were in de po0l they didnt want to come.sigh. hahaha...they went to fill their stomachs with ice kacang first. that was whad i heard before we left for de po0l. very go0d. so when angelo,ferisha,rasul n muru went in de po0l,me n shanaz went to lo0k for fo0d.hahaha..it was damn creepy walkin in de night on de smu road.we got lost blah blah blah.went we reachd de Fo0dHaven (i dont know why it was named that way since it was so0o0o0 ulu and it was like hell walkin al de way barefo0ted!!) we saw uk syam there to0! wah... could have went with him man!! hahah... shanaz bought mee siam n i just bought a piece of fried chicken. hahaha... anw,went back and i saw hanis in de hockey 'cage'.hahahah... it lo0ks damn pitiful.playin in an enclosed area.i dint expect to see him coz i thought he doesnt have trainin.hahaha...so cute. oh yah..and that shanaz,thought we can pass through so we walkd and found out that it was wired up! hahaha...damn malu. moreover,i know that its wired but becoz i trust that bitch..hahaha... (she's gonna kill me if she reads tis.but its very unlikely coz she doesnt have my blog add) went back in de po0l for awhile then they switchd off de lights. ferisha told me that de guys were talkin bout shanaz bo0bs.hahahaha...damn funny. horny guys.. we(xcept muru n angelo) to0k 156 to bishan coz shanaz has to pass her fren her sports coz her fren wants to borrow it.hahaha... sounds sick. then we to0k 88 and went home. we werent quiet at all in de bus.in fact we were de noisiest that a guy in front of me n ferisha moved 2 seats forward! ahahahhaha... damn fun! reachd home about 10 plus.de weirdest thingy happend...no0ne questiond me why i came home late!!! how creepy is that?! Very creepy indeed.so unlikely of al of 'em especially mother.no naggins!how co0l is that!! very very co0l i must say. wowz!!! but i know my limits.not to worry. ha.... de best day with a happy ending.and so many unexpected happenins.
re:hanis's entry,20o4o6o8.
aww...that was sweet of hanis.but somehow im afraid people might think that im bein very unreasonable. ahh... i couldnt be bothered by whad others think.as long as i know whads best for us,i will try my best to do it.and that means im try to be as patient as i can.yes,i can do it. and im sorry if i am bein very unfair to you hanis.i guess usually whad i say doesnt really give my real intentions. it happens alot of times.i guess you guys must have xperiencd it ryte? so im sorry. i love you lots to0.
p/s: smile when we meet later ya...
broken by love 2:13 pm
i feel like bloggin but i feel like not bloggin.
Friday, June 04, 2004
anw,bad sad bo0 ho0 ho0 news!!!!!! my boyfriend cannot meet up with me today!!!!! waaaaaaa!!!!!
i have track trainin later and most probly gonna meet nimi first.hmm..i think i go roundin at j8 for awhile later.after that, theres tis play/dance thingy at fort cannin park which will end late and i have a feelin im gonna get screamd at once i reachd home.but i've told 'em.then again,i have to keep remindin 'em or else they will put de blame on me for not tellin 'em and made 'em worry.whadssup man?! sigh.
guess whad.i to0k 10o bucks from some gray file in my parents ro0m.wahahaha.. hey,i cant find my bank bo0k and i've got a liability to pay.do not worry for i will pay it back when im richer...
i just sho0ed gay out of de ro0m.she i mean he,can have one hell of a BIG mouth.so,im just playin safe.
whad else? hmm...im bored.
oh yah..im gonna be dead tmrw.i have yet to do my accounts hmwk.but then again,whad de hell.sigh.bad siti..bad.
wah!!! dark chocolate may help your heart!! lose weight fast,eat meat!! improve blo0d..something somethin. heard tis on radio.my fav station...987!!! Perfect 1o.
heikals words of wisdom its better to be a cow for a minute then... oh.. its better to be a coward for a minute than..somethin somethin...
pardon me for my hearin.like you guys even know that im havin problam hearin.well,now you know.anw,all these sto0pid construction thingy is really damn iritatin!!! to de core man!!
sigh.bless you siti.(i just sneezed). im really really sick man.oh and guess whad?! im super contagious that my bros have got DE cough!! wahahaha... she-grand to0,but not that bad for her or else she gonna have asthma. we can make a show man.a seal show. honk honk... get it? well,thats how bad our coughs are.
tmrw and sunday will be tirin.i think.i have two functions to attend to.and both are close relatives so mother said that we have to divide ourselves.most probly on sunday i will be goin to my dads side and tmrw will be my moms side.how nice.
hmm..misunderstandins.how to get rid of it.well,how to avoid it,at least.well,im just goin to be positive and try not to feel down and so0 emo.just keep smilin...just keep smilin.well,you may never know who will fall in love with your smile and so,i have to stop frownin.its like a habit now.buthen...later people think i 'syok sendiri'.how fun.
im hungry!!! and im fallin for danielle radcliffe!!! hahahah...
freak.
i think i better go.im hungry.im gonna gain weight by de end of tis month.hmm..maybe 60kg.
ok,thats scary.
broken by love 9:38 am
hmm..latest updates.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
i slept late yesterday.actually,i slept tis mornin,at two plus.anw, sent haiqal off at de airport tis morn.wasnt really lo0kin forward to it but when i heard that sonia wasnt able to send and had a feelin that ravi wasnt goin to send him also,i decided to be de go0d n kind soul and not forgettin,a go0d pal, to send him.luckily,yatie was able to.but i was kinda late (that is so0 me). luckily (again),i still managed to be there before he went in.he lo0kd kinda sad.he told like a number of us bout him goin off for umrah- a 'small' pilgrimage- today,and to see only two pathetic girls there,well,i think he was hurt.who wouldnt be man! its moral support!! he needs it!!! sigh.but who am i to say man...
went to my uncles place for awhile then father droppd us at compass point.me bros mother went roundin and there was one heck of a crowd.it is,wesuck day.(got an sms joke from gayboy bout wesuck day) hahahaha...i mean vesak day.theres a few stuffs that caught my eye.hmm... oh yah..and me mother went to de lingerie side and mother showd me tis g undies which is Green!!! hahaha... she showd me that because she was somehow 'awed' by de strings.. hahaha...she said its damn thin...whadssup man?! hahaha...but its nice..coz its GREEN!! (like....d0h!)
whadever.
then i was thinkin of my problem.i think i was really really really thinkin of it man..it was SOOOO not me... i think thats de first! hahah...i was thinkin damn hard to find ways to solve my problem and i guess i had a little headache then.actually,now i have it to0.heck.mother was either worried or just pissd with my mo0d then.i guess.heck (again).
ok.tis headache is irritatin.im feelin damn...wo0ho0!!! my head feels light man..like its floatin to de sides...hahahaha...
shites.
hmm...tis one is dedicated to my beloved boyfriend.
Hanis,i hope you are feelin better today.i really dont know whad to say and how to help you with your 'problems'.i guess i suck to0.it is,wesuck day.all i can do is give you my shoulder (umm..no offend) to cry on (which was never needed since you will never cry in front of me).so lets see....hmmm.ok.i can only give you my love and support.i cant help you in your studies as im laggin behind since we have an xtra year.i really pity you and really feel sad to see you 'suffer'.it makes me feel hopeless.but i know you wouldnt want me to feel that way.so im tryin my best to be your listenin ear and advisor.but i doubt im go0d as the latter.i know you will confide in me.you trust me,ryte? i hope you feel better after lettin it all out.i mean de so-called burdens and not some gases and other stuffs that are gross.eew. anw,if you need me,i just a phone call away.im also just 'a jog' away for you.and.... a 147/74 bus service away (thats around 8 bus stops, excludin yours) i love you.
i am extraordinary.if you'd ever get to know me.i am extraordinary. im just an ordinary, average everyday sane psycho. liz phair
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
hoobastank (or ho0stabank for hail hitler)
Hanis,the reason is YOU.Thank you daRlin.
broken by love 10:23 pm
basically,im bored to de core right now.im findin photos/pics of danielle radcliffe.awww...he's so0o cute...schweet...!! ok... cut it out siti!!!
fine.
anw,i had a naggin session yesterday.after a month of ignorance from me.ha ha.serves you right like whadever.hmm..maybe thats whad hanis was thinkin?? hahaha...i doubt so.but somehow i think ive offended him.sigh.im just to0 blunt sometimes.especially with him.maybe coz i thought we are close enough he could understand me damn well;to de core but i guess theres more to it.or should i say to me.well,even husband and wife have their misunderstandins.i cant blame him.i must admit,even i dont know him that that that that very well.so,i tend to be very straight with whad i said.damn bitchy huh?
anw,hanis im sorry.you've never seem to accept my apologies unless i threaten you or some other shite that i do to make you say that im forgiven.sigh.i know you may be upset readin this coz its like im sayin that its your fault now.please dont get me wrong.if it sounds that way,i must tell you that its NOT.so please dont be upset with whad ive typed.it may somehow sound negative,i dont know but i seriously dont mean it that way.im sorry if i have offended you hanis.my heart's with you...
ok.i wanted to let de above para be de closin(stock...hahha..) for tis entry but i guess its better to end on a go0d note.lets see...
o0okk...trainin was ok i guess.i got my spikes today and its damn nice...people were awed by my spike shoes man...bangga jap hahahah..and it suites de price..96 bucks!! where de hell am i gonna dig that much money from????!!!! hmm...two places to dig..wait make it three.. one:nenek(she-grand) or/and tok(he-grand) two:bank(that will be drawings..hahahaha) lastly:hanis (hahahaha....bastard sia) ok ok...im was only jokin on my last resort..most probably de second choice...(ting tint ting!!!! and we've got a winner..congratulations siti..you've won yourself a.... to be continued..hahha bastard)
oh yah...im suppose to end tis entry happily but im so0 'happy' to tell you guys that i got extra lecture lesson yesterday.argh!!! damn shitty.talk shite lar she.asked her for money to buy my bus concession,she started talkin al de shite bout me comin home late la,tis la that la...blah blah...i was eatin then and i almost stopd eatin and wishd to continue back once she is done blabberin coz it made me lose my appetite.and i became a cry baby de moment i steppd into de toilet after my dinner.i hit my fist against de wall,kickd de pails and yada yada...damn pissd to de core.i guess you guys think that im bein rude or an unfilial child.whad shite lar k.
tis is fun.'happy' endin.
....and she TRIED living happily (n)ever after...
whadever.
broken by love 12:47 am