de past few days were hectic.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
wednesday: went for hari raya visitin wit my classmates. draggd hanis along. we went to each others house and a few other classmates that couldnt join us. and at first there were 12 of us then helmy had to stay home cause his relatives were comin and he only managed to go to ijas house which btw was de first. de meetin point. then at ard 5 plus, sharifah had to leave for her netball match. she really would have missd it if it was just trainin. but since her team needed her for de match, she had to go. at least she managed to cover 5 houses. then akbar left at de 2nd last house, my place. then shahidah and ija had to be back by 11 plus so we practically rushed our way to ayus house. shahidah got screwd by her mom when she made a phone call home to inform her mom that shes at de last house. she was damn pissd and frustrated by her mom. she wasnt understandin i guess. she kept sayin that it was hari raya and her mom should know that people do get home late on hari raya. and also, its hari raya. not like she did it frequently. that kinda thing. then we tried to co0l her down. ija talkd to shahidah's mom and tried to convince her that we were at de last house and she said things that i didnt even thought of that was convincin. she told shahidahs mom that ayus mom had co0kd some fo0d and it wouldnt be polite for us to not come. she's go0d. go0d at suckin up. thats basically de cons of de whole visitin. apart from de stark contrast of de two groups that had formed among us. one group was quieter and are always among themselves. de other, very rowdy. im in de latter group.
thursday: hanis came by my place in de mornin to pass me 3 coats his mom has kindly lent me for de prom i was goin for in de afterno0n. whad prom you may ask? de prom for tis years batch of graduatin students and im part of de alumni. so calld, since i have yet sit for any meetin session. i chose a stripey coat which matchd my stripey pants. i mean my MOMS stripey pants. i lo0kd like a businesswoman. so professional. de batch tis year was boring. compared to my batch, we were very 'on'. it was tough for natasha and zaki to get them goin. but after de EATIN feast, they were much more responsive. i guess they were hungry and you know, kids these days, they need all de energy to move every muscle in them...............................................................................................................................................................
im really not in de mo0d to type now. in fact, im damn pissd. i had actually typed out like a tonne of things just now and i had pressd somethin twice and everythins gone!!!! im freakin fuckd up. im just feelin damn fuckd up. fuck you people! i really feel down now. damn freakin down. and de thot of de freakin fuckin iritatin entry-went-po0f! just made it worse. sto0pid life.
thank you for your kindness but i think i'd rather be alone. so fuck off.
broken by love 10:30 pm
like whad my dear boyfriend mentioned in de previous post, im healthy and eatin al de delicious kuehs. basically, enjoyin Hari Raya.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
tmrw will be de day. for me to meet hanis's family. yes, family. not just his sister. coz i dont mind her sis. she knows me,for ive been goin over to their place to crash. but tmrw, its his Mother, Father, Brother... Grandmother and Auntie!! oh god. i feel so weak now. de parents and bro has seen me. had an encounter talkin to de mom and bro on different occasions. and i just replied back with simple 'yes' and 'no's.
thats de problem. i can only speak simple english! and from my knowledge of his family, they've been usin english at home forever. for me, however, i only used de english language in scho0l. with my non-malay friends to be precise. from young til secondary scho0l days. but now, luckily, ive been usin more english language than i used to. a tremendous improvement since i rarely use my-once-powerful malay language with hanis. he helpd me alot in improvin my english language. but im stil not up there with his family's standards. i feel so inferior.
im just afraid that i'll make a fo0l of myself. (im already a fo0l, being born on 1st april. sheesh.) okay. i'll re-state my point.
im just afraid that i'll make A GREAT fo0l of myself! im afraid that if they asked me questions (interogation) and i dont understand, i dont wanna go like " huh? i dont understand? umm.. cik, cakap bahasa melayu boleh? (auntie, can you say it malay?)" thats how i define makin a fo0l (a Great fo0l) of myself. its stupid.
and his sister, whos 12, has a better grasp of de english language than me, a (sweet) 17 year old.
that explains why i faild my gp with an e8.
whadever it is, im goin to his place tmrw. so.. Be strong siti.. be strong.
anw, retribution is goin to be sweet.... he has yet to come to my place, my aunt's where she n her hubby, together with nenek and tok (my grands) are waitin for him to0.. and lets not forget, de jalan raya with my peicai and mi friends. ha.... retribution is gonna be SsE-WEET-Ta!
that shows how much i love you hanis
broken by love 9:33 am
Ok, this is not Siti. This is Hanis, blogging on behalf of my dear girlfriend.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Siti is having some trouble with her computer, hence unable to update for the last couple of weeks. Currently, she is in good health and enjoying the delicious kuehs made specially for Hari Raya. She will be back to tell you more stories as soon as her computer is fixed.
Please be patient. She apologises for not updating this blog, and wishes that she not be taken of your list of blogs-to-read. I assure you, she will be back. Just as Arnold Susah-Nak-Eja said so in Terminator.
Thank you for your kind understanding.
Peace!
broken by love 7:21 pm
all de best to those takin their 'a' level mother tongue today. esp to my dearest darlin banana. love you. and you can do it. coz i know you can. coz i taught you! so, repay my deeds by pullin through tis well. i have faith in ya. (you'd better pass, or i'll ask for "it")
Friday, November 05, 2004
hey, im jokin.
yest sucks. felt damn pissd off. however, im fine now.
well, honestly, i didnt wanna be fine today. i wantd to feel pissd and dissd my mom so much. but i guess, it dint work out. for i am feelin fine now. and talkin to her. actually, she was de one who startd talkin to me first tis morn.
and i gues, well, i follow her attitude. ok, i dont follow. i HAVE her attitude. must be passd down. in de genes. ive realised tis de other day. when somehow, we had de same thoughts. honestly, ive forgotten whad on earth happened that day that made me thought of tis but basically, we are alike in that sense. and tis morn, ive realised some more that we forgive easily. thats why when she startd talkin to me, i wasnt respondin and acknnowledgin much at first. but eventually, i did. i just felt bad that she's talkin and al and i kinda ignored her. and so i forgave. and i have tis feelin that im gonna forget bout it so0n. its de inner self.
whereas for de outer self, i have my dads features and stature. mostly. well, thats whad most peeps (uncle aunties, distant relatives and even my primary scho0l teacher) told me. i still remember that time. i was in primary scho0l. cant remember whad level though. anw, i went to my malay teacher, mrs maideen, and asked her whether she want to see my father. (it was de end of de year and parents had to come down to collect de report bo0k) she didnt want to but my dad came in anyway. coz i just told him to see her, in case he wanna know how i did for my malay, how am i durin malay class and stufs. (actually.. i did very well. and i dint have any problems. just wantd to brag i gues. im a brag queen then.) and when she saw my dad and we were about done, she commented. lo0kd at me and then said that i dont lo0k like my mom. (she met my mom before. same reason for comin scho0l; collection of report bo0k. and stil no problems then. heheh..) she said i followd my dad. and added some more that my mom lo0kd fierce (i think i felt like laughin coz that was de first time i heard someone said that bout my moms face) and that i lo0kd sweet. like my dad.
or maybe....
my teacher found my dad go0d lo0kin.
which makes me go0d lo0kin (pretty, beautiful, dashin..etc) to0!
i wish.
broken by love 7:12 am
im havin a fuckin iritatin lecture. im practically bitin my lips. so that i wont turn my face round to my mom and give her fuck of whad im holdin back. screwin me for not goin trawih and al de sto0o0o0pid shits bout religion. and it al started bcoz id spent my nights and stufs in front of tis comp. she sho0tin me like hell. im not givin a shit and i know she can see whad de fuck im typin. heck! i dont give a damn. hate tis shit. fuckin iritatin. screw me la!!! i sh0t back just now. and she went into a rage. so whad?! only she can fuckin get angry. i cant is it?? and stop lo0kin down on me like im never gonna give you money la. im not THAT bad. i still listend even though i dont lo0k bothered and stufs. damn fuckd up!!! stop fuckin shout!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
broken by love 10:59 pm
im up early. well, actually ive been up since sahur. and im dont plan to sleep. i have to do de laundry and a bit of sprin cleanin. wipe here and there.. and im done! for today that is.
i feel guilty easily. and im kinda guilty now. for whad you may ask? for doubtin peeps. i think you peeps have come across a situation, at least once in your life, where you thought that someone was doin somethin because they dont like/ avoidin/ not bothered etc wit you but its actually de contrary. yeah.. thats how i felt just now. god! im evil.
which can be a pro n a con. pro because sometimes i do stufs (esp to hanis) because i just felt like it and i have that as a reason. con because..... it evil. (duh!)
anw, im suppose to go for de meet n greet de idols today!!! i doubt i can. thats because ive been comin home late. late to break fast wit my family. and also, i have to sprin clean some more. and...... its de fastin month! how can i go to a pub!? thats just so0 unethical.
aww.... my boyfriend is so0 sweet!!! he just send me an sms.
" Wah somebody gettin closer with her ex eh. Im jealous! Hahaha.. Ya right. As long as u're happy, that's good enuf. I love u too. Enjoy fawwaz, dun forget me :p "
he's damn sweet la! he trusts me so0 much. and i stil had de cheek to doubt him that time. sheesh. to him, as long as im happy, he'll be to0. even if i askd for a break and that makes me happy ( happier ), he'll agree to it. that is if he no longer makes me happy. or i really wanna leave him.
like when will that happen?
whad about... never.
broken by love 7:32 am
im really makin full use of de scho0ls facilities. for im here now. in de library again. bloggin in. hols!!!
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
a discovery made today!!!!! i found one of my long time friend's blog. its stupid. in a funny way. but he's (yes, its a 'he') damn stuck up!!! either that or he no longer remember me. which is sad. and he is fuckin stuck up!!! argh!!
nvm. maybe he thinks im stil after him. i used to. and sometimes do think of gettin back with him. BUT, i'll just let my imagination run wild. even though i wanna make a move on him again. COZ... i have hanis. tis person will make me stop and think, before i make sto0pid decisions and actions. and thats how i'd stop flirtin and stufs. i think.
i dont know. i just LIKE bein close with guys. i sounded like a bitch. well. maybe i am.
anyway, i wanna be co0l!!! to0 bad i didnt recognize (de least) 5 of de bands that he mentioned. anyway, i dint know he's in a band either. so diff now. rugby capt la, has a band la.. so diff. i guess its puberty. well, i did make friends with him when i was 14! that was like ages ago. but one thing didnt change. he stil doesnt comb his hair. i remembered that. and he stil lo0ks go0d. its de attitude i suppose. be confident.. that kinda stuf. anw, de 2nd reason i shouldnt follow my feelins is because... he likes a-cassandra-girl! bet she's pretty with co0l attitude.
im such a loser. but i told hanis before. that i wanna marry him (i mean hanis) and not anyone else even if it was tis 'he' guy. ive devoted 1% of my 17 yrs on earth to him. and i dont wanna lose him. he's de greatest boyfriend anyone can ever have. like i said, he's a God sent. and im really thankful of that.
i read in seventeen on tis so-called survey. girls ask guys questions which bothers them or just out of curiosity. and this girl askd " why do guys still lo0k at other girls even when they are with their girlfriend? " an tis guy, bein a guy, said " we like to lo0k at pretty things and blah blah blah... as long as we have trust.. blah blah blah.. " ( sorry bout de blah-ing. i cant remember de words ) basically, whad he meant was that....... hey. its self explanatory.
i just stumble upon my scho0l mates blog! BONG.. ( church bell echoes ) thats whad i do evrytime i see him. and ill sho0k my head, pretendin that im under de bell when it....... BONG!!!! ahhaha... hope he remembers me.
i think i should venture on de net more. check out peeps links and stufs. and i may just come across more long lost friends... friendster is slow. sometimes. ok whadever.
...i love you hanis...
broken by love 11:01 am
here i am in de scho0l library. de last day of scho0l for tis year, 2o04. so much memories and happenins. so little bondin. luckily, theres 2 more years to catch up with stufs.
my vp gave a speech just now and there was one part where he told us an article which i find de meanin very true and deep. i think its from challenge magazine but theres to0 many articles and i dont know which one is it anyway. so, ive decided to try to extract whad he said and put it in my own words. and add some of my perspective of de article.
.the load.there were two men. and they were goin to de other side of a road. as they were about to cross, they saw an old woman, who was to0 scared to cross through de heavy traffic. so, these two men carried de old woman and put her down safely on de ground when they had reached de other side. they then walked away. one of them was whistlin happily and was satisfied with whad he had done. de other one, however, was complainin that de old woman was heavy and that he had hurt his back by carryin her. then he asked de whistlin man, " de old woman was heavy. and i have a backache now. why are you happy about it? " then de whistlin man replied. " yes, de old woman was heavy but im not complainin because we had left de load 1o mins ago. and im satisfied with whad ive done. "
why do we burden ourselves and make things at present difficult for us by whad that had happened? it had passed; left behind, and theres nothin you can do about it. so why not make de best out of your present and future? be satisfied with whad you had done, not whad you had not. regretin is a go0d way of realisin your mistakes but you have to change or work towards it to make it better.
i added my perspective of de article in de last para.
i pondered over it when he ended de story. its true. at least i can safely say that it links to me. my academics, family, life and especially my relationship.
broken by love 8:34 am
ive extracted tis from hanis's guestbo0k. my fren, nat, wrote it to me.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
When couples fight, they tend to say out words that are well, rude, infuriating and most of d times, words they dun mean. WHY? Coz usually, during d fight, we tend not to see the solution for long-term and instead see d solution for short-term. Similar to me, when i fight wit him, i usually say more mean words than he does. Wat does he do? Endure. Why? LOVE. So sometimes, we gals, need to stop blaming pms or wateva, and instead look within ourself to justify everything. D guys would do anything to correct d situation coz they love u sincerely much. Tat is of a respect. And we gals, shud try to tone down our attitude and give guys credit. Coz like us, they're sensitive too. I'm not a perfect gf, but 1 thing i know, is tat I dun wanna lose him. And I believe u do too. So gerl, loosen up a bit. Going thru changes is hard, but well, learn to live wit it unless u wanna lose him. I honestly believe u can get
thry all this. Hanis is a gd guy for u. U can never find anyone else like him. All the best in ya love life k. STOP fighting. Really, stop
it. :P ...Hari raya minta maaf k. :P
nat, i would like thank you so very much. you understand me well. maybe because you've been through it and also, you always think and reflect. i guess i dont have such friends in tis current scho0l. my close peeps are not attached and they usually asked me for tips and such. so, im really thankful to have you nat. thank you so much.
i didnt expect to get such a long and thoughtful message from her. i thought it was a short and sweet one but still encouragin and correctin me. im not complainin. im actually very touched by it. that my friend, even though we're not close and rarely contacted each other, she stil cared and helpd me. she dont forget her old friends. i guess its important to have a friend(s) to let it out to especially if you're havin a tiff wit your partner. maybe thats why im always havin arguments and misunderstandins wit hanis. i didnt confide to my peeps. and kept it inside. and when somethin goes a little wrong, thats when i'll blew up. and sho0t him down wit every thin that ive been keepin inside. i guess im not openin up to my friends that much now. i'll work on it. but ironically, i had a tiff wit him because of him havin close friends ( lets not elaborate on it ). damn dumb right? i regretted sho0tin him. im so stupid.
im waitin to get my report card. they're gonna give it to us at 12.45pm. most probably they dont want us to 'cabot' scho0l, if they were to give us straight after assembly just now. and then we're FREE! but guess whad? those who gets promoted to yr 2 n 3, on 3rd jan next year, which is de first day of scho0l ( like duh ), we're gonna have a gp and mother tongue paper!!! (yeay.. NOT!) de yr 3s however only have de gp paper. damn! but... luckily i dont have any extra classes tis hols. unless my geog teacher informd us last minutely ( geog is a new subject in tis scho0l and my teacher is al de way in de other campus ). i hope zul will be in my class, either promoted ( i really hope so ) or retained. i need my walkin dictionary!!! and i want my hitler to be with me to0! hail hitler! then she can go on and on and on and on and on... bout taufiq batisah. im gonna miss de rest who wont be in de same class as me. but im really not bothered now. i dont care whether i'll retain or promote. not bothered. not sure why either. maybe because ive done my best for my promos and im not regrettin anythin. whadever it is, i'll take it in my stride. god bless.
ive ran out of stufs to blog. oh wait. im stil thinkin whether i should go for de meet n greet de idols tis thurs night. its at a pub for gods sake!!!! at a pub.. durin de fastin month!!!??? im so dead. and whad am i gonna talk shit to my mom! double dead.
broken by love 9:07 am
im in scho0l. and you peeps shud see de state or shud i say de population of de scho0l. man! so few peeps around! my class is de biggest i think. b3 damn pathetic. only 3 peeps came. anw, im fastin today. after 9 days of wakin up late and eatin whenever i want. ironically, it feels so much better to fast. must be de inner 'chi'. hah! whad crap.
Monday, November 01, 2004
i think a partial reason why im feelin better is also because of de relationship now, saved. it was super rocky last week but im tryin to forget de whole thing. its traumatisin. i was really tryin hard to not ask for 'it' and my mind kept remindin me of whad my fren, nat, had messaged me on my friendster. but it was so0 unbearable. de hurts i've caused, de problems that i cant think of any solutions and de endless conflicts that i have inflicted. it was to0 much for me. really. and i wasnt cryin and all at first. i sounded strong and hard up. kinda rude at one point. i was stupid. sayin whad is so obvious ( de cause and de effects of de problem ) and stil not doin anythin about it. i was bein to0 dependant on him. i guess it has become a habit. honestly, im admittin that im guilty. ive caused de problems and do nothin to de consequences. im a really bad girlfriend. and i should be punished.
but hanis dont believe in al this. he'll not point fingers and will as much as he can, take de blame. till he is to0 overwhelmd by de whole thing, then he'll give up. which he did. he just dint know whad and how to do and please me at de same time. its really torturin. i can feel it now. it must have been so hurtin to a point that you just feel like you wanna end your life. but hanis, he thought of me before his feelins. and that, well, that was touchin. he cant bear to see me get hurt and it doesnt hurt him so0 damn much unless im hurt. especially if he thinks that it was him who have caused it. and so, he decided to be strong for me. stronger actually. even though it was him who needs de support and encouragement. and from who? me. me, de girlfriend who did nothin. who can actually let her boyfriend endure al de pain, on his own. when we're suppose to be ONE.
and it came to a point that he even asked me whether i love him. i was shocked and hurt. but i guess it was reasonable for him to asked me that. why not? after whad ive done, whad he'd been through, alone, i guess it was a wonder why he's still with me. i mean, any other guy would have dumped me because of al de trouble and heartaches. but not hanis. he'll never do that. he'll just endure it and try his very best to make de situation right again. he'll just carry on walkin even though he has a knife stabbed right through him. its heartenin when you actually ponder and reflect on de stufs that you take for granted. and im realisin al tis as i sat here in tis library, bloggin in and reflectin, that ive come to realise my mistakes and de consequences ive brought upon. only that im very lucky, to still have my boyfriend with me. and that he still loves me de way he had 4 years ago. after al that ive put him through. he has come out unscarred.
i must be de luckiest living thing on earth. next to paris hilton.
and that im tryin to change. even though im very ashamed to admit that im tryin to change because ive been sayin that a few times now. and it just doesnt lasts. and i also have de feelin that im goin to make more stupid mistakes again. till then, i shall make de best out of it, now.
and hanis, if ive not answered your question, my answer will be yes, i love you. im still de girl that you had loved 4 years ago. just that now, she has more attitude, maturing, more responsibilities and commitment and makes alot more mistakes then she used to. i love you darlin. and im sorry. i know you wouldnt want me to apologise and al.
anw, wishin karmila anesh a happy 18th burfday!!! from me n hanis.
broken by love 8:55 am