im not mushy.

hanis is de ONLY guy i think i'll ever wanna be together with. even though i do have infactuation and likings for other good lookin guys that passes by. but todays turn of events is really an eye opener for me.

today started with me wakin up freakin early, ard 7 or 8 plus, to get ready and have breakfast at tekka. somewhere there. it was freakin early for me coz i slept at 3am. anw, i went to see his match at de padang after that. it was ard noon by then. found out he used to like a girl in de club hes in. i became insecure. very very very insecure. to a point of cryin.

de thing is, i didnt have a problem when he had askd me whether is it wrong for him to ask a girl friend (jill, thats her name) to stay in sajc with him (he's close to her) because i know that her and she's not into hanis. and i told him i trustd him. but suddenly, just now, everything made me uber insecured. he told me he (and a few other friends) used to like that girl from his club and it feels sooooooooo... i dont know.. insecure!! (i dont know how many times i said that word) and i did find her pretty. at first. coz i think i got confuse between her and another girl. i got confused way before i got to know that hanis used to like her. so its not like i find her ugly de moment i knew hanis liked her. get it? whadever it is.. it came to a point whereby i got pissd everytime i see her. as if she's ever gonna snatch my hanis away from me. so,thats de thing.. i dont think she's even into hanis. or knows that hanis ever liked her. and i was hating her. im guilty. sorry babe.

and im sorry to have this as an excuse la but i think pms got de better of me for de past few days. it was unexplainable so im assumin its pms. then we had a misunderstandin before we went to watch constantine. im a very imaginative person so when that happend, i had al these arguing and drama-like scenes in my head. i had wanted to shout at him and stuf, damn stupid.

i pulld him all de way to de upper part of de fountain of wealth and we sat there. i startd sayin al de stufs that was in my mind at that time. mostly, practically shootin him la. dman bad. but then, ignoring my 'criticism', he hugd me and it just meltd my heart. i just wept in his arms, full of regrets and apologies. hugs just have an effect on me, especially his hugs. you can feel de sincerity and im at peace there and then. however, despite that outcome, i told him that we should go on our separate ways cause i dont wanna hurt him anymore with al of de misunderstandins. i still think he deserves someone better than me. honestly.

anw, he froze. i guess he went weak in de knees. literally. from de matches and de shocker separation statement. im just stupid la. i think i watchd too much tv. something bout me just like to have suspense in my life-drama and its like a joke to me. dont you think so? from de way i treat de sitch? like its just a play. so, once i said that i wantd us to go our own separate ways, my mind had al de imaginative scenes. i guess, i kept havin these great sense that he wont ever leave me. which was whad that made me actually dare to asked for such sto0o0pid stufs. it did occurd to me at some point, WHAD DE FUCK am i gonna do if he REALLY did leave me??! and well, eventually, he said we should start al over and be just friends but if at amy point in time i need him, he'll still take me back. tha kinda thing. he'll still be there for me la basically. tears startd to flow as if theres a leakage at de corner of my eyes. but despite that cryin and stufs, i actually had de cheek to think of seom other guys that i could be with and stufs i'd do when im pronounced 'single' again. bastard right??! thats some of de reason i really dont think he deserves me. (ironically, i told him that sometimes i dont think i deserve him either. that was when i was pissd and was lettin it all out) im such a sluttttty biatch. i really dont wish to be like that. its just al these imaginative scenes in my head thats causin me to be like that. its unexplainable. its complicated. you have to be in my puny brain to understand whad im blabberin about.

BUT.... of course i disagree. i dont wanna lose him. if i can, i dont wanna separate from him. physically. i dont want our day to end and go home. i wish i could go back to his house. i dont ever want a gap between us. i just want us, us and more us!!! i can be hysterical if i lose him. honest. oh god, i dont wanna think about this.

he made me wept alot of times. not that he's evil or anything. he said stufs that made me regret those things ive said. he also sai de sweetest stuf ever. like after i told him we should separate and he was silent and al. so i asked him whadsup and he said, "im thinkin whad tomorrow will be like if i dont have you". followed by a "im thinkin of those times we spent..." so sad yet so sweet.

but we're still together. isnt that exciting?! sheesh. its very fairytale-like. happpily ever after. you can like predict that im stil with him. cause if im not, i wont be bloggin. this is like a reminder and a thank you to hanis. and also to let you guys know whads in my head when things happen.



IM SO THANKFUL I STILL HAVE YOU, HANIS.

i hope after readin this, you guys will agree with me that hanis deserves someone better than me.



today was a memorable one. alot of details i missd out but i guess its my own.. i mean our.. personal memo.



i love you soooo damn fuckin much hanis. sorry to have that f werd in there.

and guys, im sorry i couldnt make it for todays meet. i havent forget you bunch of retards. yet. at least not till im retarded. love you guys too.


but i love hanis more. i love him to bits..



and im stil not mushy.





its pms la...!!

broken by love 11:43 pm