i woke up tis mornin lookin so haggard. i had swollen eyes that i can barely use to see de world.

i cant help it. tears flowed down my face whenever i thought about us. our time spent. and many more. in de bus, i cried. my friend who just boarded asked me whether im okay. "yeah" was all i said. i did managed to talk and joke around with my friends. im feelin slightly better.

when i woke up, i knew that i had asked for it. de split up.

i agreed to his suggestion when im in de bus. i agreed to it because i want him to be happy. i want him to be free. i know that ive made him suffer. ive controlled him quite a bit. i want him to follow my ways, my decisions. he was confused with me on most times cause i'll be tellin him to do one thing, and then i want him to do another. then he'll be angry with himself for not meetin with my demands. which in turn makes him sad. then im upset cause he will be quiet and it becomes very awkward for us, just to sit beside each other and keepin mum. so he wanted to have a time on our own. and i immediately agreed. i guess i just felt obliged to follow his decisions now. im really tryin my all to change. especially after de last near-broke up episode. i want us to be happy. it did happened for awhile. we were super okay on monday and tuesday. that was like de climax of it all. de point in my life, in de relationship, that i suddenly felt de communication. we didnt do anything special. we just had talks. we crapped, to be precise. we talk bout anything that passes thru our mind. we joked alot basically. we really really crapped.

i guess that was why he felt that we had changed alot. we werent as happy. we rarely joke and stuff. now, all de silence when we werent talkin are very tense. we'll start thinkin whether we did something wrong to each other. usually, it was just an assumption. then de misunderstandins occur.

i was uncontrollable just now. i cried like a baby. not wailin and stuffs though. my cries was just.. uncontrollable. i made this loud suffocatin gasp and it made them came around me to read de startin of tis entry. split up? was whad aisyah said. they thought nothin happened but when it became obvious, and that i was pratically gaspin for air due to de emotions, she hold me tight and de other two was by my side. after readin and all, aisyah gave me a hug. even though when she asked i said its ok.

im lucky. i have friends by my side. i have food on de table. i have carin but naggy parents. i started appreciatin alot of things today. i guess you'll only truly understand me when you've lost something so dear...

i know i know. ive not lost him totally. readin to his latest entry was sufficient to back my statement. but that entry was whad that made me broke down in front of my friends. its just de thought of him. it makes me so full of emotions. its true whad he said. "it hurts to be just friends when you know you had something more" i gues tis was why i keep cryin when i think of de split up.

honestly, its not a bad thing. i was in a clear state of mind when i agreed to it. i know we wont be seein much of each other and we wont be kissin and doin things couples do now. we'll just be best of friends. well, thats de toughest part. to dedicate yourself to a person for more than a year and suddenly do something different de next day, it seems impossible.

i just received his message. he's not doin too well. well, hanis, we were one once. im not too. i guess its a major impact on us both. or maybe on me alone. he's train of thoughts sometimes are very different form mine. thats why our misunderstandins sometimes occurred. thats partly why i agreed on us separatin. we have to clear our minds. yesterday, my geog techer thought us something on tourism and there was tis part on overdependency. i just smile. i dont know why i smile back then. i guess i smiled because i knew that i depend on hanis quite alot. okay, alot. thats whad i have to get out from. i have to be independent. like those times when were 'bruder' and 'sister'. during de 0s and before. were started gettin closer and dependency on him was startin. he, on de other hand, keeps thinkin that im not happy with him. sometimes im just too tired and upset with other things and even worst, i just didnt feel like interactin. thats whad made him feel that he's not makin me happy. i dont know whads in his mind. he doesnt know whad to do. so its best for us.

i know i was wrong in de previous entry. i was very overwhelmed by it all. it just flooded me with all de strong emotions. evrything flooded me. but im much more sensible now. im a critical thinker. i know this is de best for us. i knew it too yesterday night when i was cryin, deep deep down that i was wrong. but it was very very very overwhelmin. im thinkin reasonably now.

tmrws walkathon will end around 10. so i askd sonia just now whether we (me her and yatie) will be goin out. she said ya. but she meant she was goin out with her friend. 6 months. i was like wow. so fast. and then i told her we split up. then i cried. hahaha... im pathetic. well, i just thought they ought to know. nevermind.

mr ng, my vp, said this. "so fast isnt it? alot of things had happened..." to quote some of whad he said durin assembly just now. he was talkin about our schools walkathon tmrw.and how much de funds are now. when he said that, i was kinda smilin. yeah, so fast. it ended. and alot of things did happened. now, its just de memories left behind. and de experience has ended. but evrything was memorable. when i was lookin at de 4 small photos of us in my hp's wallpaper, i can actually recall where, when and whad we were doin then. it was amazing. ive never remembered and felt that way, partly because i can barely remember whad we did ususally.

i feel bad now. he feels like dying. and i nearly died yesterday. i hope he'll be fine. im gonna do my accounts test now. i didnt even study for it. nevermind. im gonna console him. i feel very much like him now. de 'good' guy. not that he's bad now. he just feels that way.

i love you hanis. we will be one. if God permits and fate is written that way. i do want to hug and kiss you still. lets start anew. we'll get through. you've got me, and ive got you. i do love you. remember whad i said? "we'll be okay, but its gonna be hard at first"

thank you. for giving me de opportunity to love you and be loved. i still do.

broken by love 9:34 am

Thursday, March 10, 2005