no more contentment and fulfillment in bloggin. i used to like bloggin coz he'll be able to know how i am and such. no point now. my life is pretty much..... im okay. if he's coping, then i will. i'll still read his blog though. i hope he doesnt stop bloggin. tag/call/sms me or ask me out if you guys 'pity' me. whadever. i'll do so if im not busy. went town yest. didnt know he went there too. i had want/wish to meet him accidentally outside, like town. i guess its kinda a go0d thing that we didnt meet, dont you think so? well, my week is full of family and friends. it helps. but then when night falls or when im alone, it acts up again. nvm me. i'll manage. i do hope he'll manage. i pray that he'll be okay and fine. cause it'll make me fine...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
my blog has officially died....
but my love for him wont.
broken by love 12:29 pm
HANISITI
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
22 Dec 2003 - 17 May 2005
i dont intend to type alot yesterday when my comp kept jammin up on me. but i guess i have quite alot to type. im in scho0l.
im fine now. honestly. im lo0kin forward to bein wo0ed again. hahaha... even though my heart still yearn for him.
i was actually okay when we met. he wanted to meet me. i had a feelin it was bad. a 50-50 feelin though. when we met at punggol park, he was okay and all. de thing that actually pissd/iritate me was that he was smilin when he askd me to guess whads his decision is. luckily i didnt say that he had wantd me back. i so0 just wantd to hug him and kiss him and said i love you and cry for joy. luckiy, i said i dont wanna have high hopes. and boy i sure get whad i dreaded. "its over siti.."
im curious still why he had to smile. it was like a go0d sign. smilin means he loved me as a girlfriend and that he had made yet another stupid mistake. sigh. love was not mine either Nat...
i told mysel that i wont cry if he decided to break up but i would cry if he wanted me back. cry for joy that is. well, i managed to keep my composure when i avoid lo0kin at his face. i was actually blockd by my inner feelins and emotions, plus de fact that i didnt wanna hear de rest of whad he had to say. so when i lo0kd at his face after he has ended his whadevers, i cant help it but to cry. maybe i watch to0 much tv or to0 influence in romance novels cause when i lo0kd at him, i thot of de face that i loved and cant have.
oh god. im cryin. no.....!!!! im not suppose to cry. relax.....
okay, better now. anw, i nearly jumpd into de dirty scary lo0kin pond which is 2o m away from where we sat. eventually i didnt due to de fact that i dont dare but i threatend him, de fact that im afraid that i might really die, and de fact that its dirty and creepy. whad lies beneath de water..
anw, cut long story short, i cursed and blamed him and made him feel guilty and scolded him after that. i was pissd and upset and overwhelmd and.... argh! god! de hurt....
however, i felt bad. after every burst of emo, i felt bad. so i huggd and kissd him, for de last time, went on talkin bout whad im gonna miss - his lips, hair, ears, eyes, nose, weird stomach and all de memories and de engraved rings that we didnt managed to buy, plus de upcomin-4-more-days 17th month.
surprisingly though, i didnt cry as much as those times where we eventually patchd up. it was kinda freaky. i cried there and then (and a lil bit just now due to typin ou tis blog) and thats about it. i guess god plannd this.
i have to end this fast. my fren needs to do his pi.
i guess this was meant to be. ive done alot of sins. i guess its time i start prayin and feel de guilt of my sins. i should stop makin my family angry and unhappy with me. i should care more for them. i should do more deeds. spent more time with frens and family. maybe god dint want us to go to0 far till we regret it. till we forget Him.
i refuse to read his blog first before updatin mine cause im scared that whad i had in mind to type out onto my blog will be affectd. anw, im at nats place now. i was from scho0l though.
okay. i had alot to type but now im blank. forget it. i'll type again when i rmbr.
oh wait. now i do.
damn. now i forget. fuck. stewpid girl.
tis morn my grandma was naggin sayin that i came back late and all. i reachd home at 11pm. i think hanis even later. she said that i was spendin alot la. keep buyin things as my money keep vanishin. she said "baru dpt duit habis. 20 dollar ibu bagi tu ari dah bis." and i said back " ain ngan hanis pun dah bis nek". i dont think she get it though.
anyway...
HANIS
i love you still... loving you never ends.. please take care cause i will, and i want you to. thanx for de memories. hope we could go out so0n together, as friends. i still wanna watch madagascar with you.
broken by love 8:19 am
i heard this song on radio this morn. i could relate to it. its whad im feelin inside.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I open my eyes
I try to see but im blinded by the white light
I cant remember how
I cant remember why
Im lying here tonight
And I cant stand the pain
And I cant make it go away
No I cant stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Theres no where to run
The night goes on
As im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybodys screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
Im slipping off the edge
Im hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I cant explain what happened
And I cant erase the things that ive done
No I cant
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As Im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
simple plan - untitled
broken by love 1:29 pm
i just read his blog.
Monday, May 16, 2005
broken by love 11:15 pm
i was wonderin how could anyone even blog when they feel like shit. but i guess it helps. its like therapy.
speakin bout therapy, i think ive got to hand in my pi (preliminary ideas) for pw (project work) tmrw. since i didnt go to scho0l today.
yes, i skippd scho0l. and went to nats place in de early wet mornin of monday,16th may 2005. de sky was cryin like mad for me. i just felt like de weather tis morn was somehow how i was feelin. heavy, dark, upsettin and overwhelmin.
i had plannd it. i needed a listenin ear. i needed a companion. i needed to let it out. i needed someone.
so her mom was quite shockd to see me when she opened de door. she thot it was her sister, who sent her kid, aimin/amin, for her to babysit. i reachd her place at 7.38/48/58 but waitd for nat to wake up which was around 8 plus. i felt bad for appearin early in de morn but i cant help it. sorry auntie.
anw, i purposely woke up late. kinda purposely coz my eyes were very heavy still due to de cryin i had de night before.
felt better thruout de afterno0n. spent time with nat. almost de whole day. then we had dance practice for teachers day, de ex peicaians la. me, nat, hisyam, manda, shahrul and mat. no, not nats Mat. tis mat was given de name mat cause nat gave him that name. manda came then awhile later she askd whos that, (his name is raymee/hilmi) but nat just said mat. so we calld him mat all de way la. hes shahruls cousin btw. lo0ks cute.
before that, i accompanied nat to hougang ave 8 to take her moms top from an alterin shop but de stupid auntie was out so had to wait til 3pm which was when her lunch suppose to end. from 1 till 3 pm for lunch..? stewpid. so we went to macs since theres air con and we were hot. (yes we are).oh there was tis DAMN cute guy la from montfort. was flirtin with these chij girls. must be ij punggol since thats de nearest ij around. de macs was damn noisy. me n nat kinda thot of our secondary scho0l days. nat askd me whether we were that noisy and stuff. anw, i cant leave my eyes of that bugger. to0o0 bad hes so much younger coz he was wearin shorts, instead of long pants. nat wantd me to dare her to ask that guy (boy) for his no. and embarrass me and such. crapsies.
she accompanied me home first at around 1 plus to change my uni before we went to hougng ave 8. then we went to play po0l. saw a lot of peicaians. ex peicaians. oh, we scored 13 white balls altogether in de 2nd game. and 3 more in de last/3rd game. stewpid. i 'scored' like 13 white balls in both games altogether la. damn funny la. once, nat tried to hit de ball and she hit de air above de ball. meanin was she didnt hit de ball at all la. so i laughd. then, she repeated it again. dman stewpid la. itwas damn loseristic. cant stop laughin man. then i told her that if she were to repeat that again for de 3rd time, im gona stampd an "L"/"Loser" on her forehead. it didnt happend though. de stampin i mean.
anw, enjoyd de day. dancin is fun. always. though we dint do much. we were practically just slackin around, listenin to music at de multipurpose hall/court. shahrul brought his laptop for de music. we managd to watch 'you got served' at nats place and on de laptop. hisyam wanna try to copy de dance moves. damn tough. i managd to copy like one move which i doubt was even correct but close enuff la. anw, i did tis lindy hop move with hisyam. he swung me around his waist and grab me on de other side. add a touch of my previous syf move to it. de move wasnt in de actually syf performance though due to lack of time. im sidetrackin.
anw, night turnd out bad when all of us had no place to go to dance since mats startd to gather to play soccer at de court/hall. so we ended up beside a lampost, near some dog poo (ard 30m away) and startd talkin bout next meetin/practice and such la. i ended up squattin while all of them were standin and closed my eyes. thots of hanis, relationship, unhappiness, sadness, everythin that revolves ard it comes to mind. feelin emo. i think they were teasin me above my head or somethin but i couldnt be botherd. nat defended me somehow. then nat tappd me and told me 'lets go', i didnt wanna budge. eventually i did after a few more taps and such, and manda and her walkd me home (sorta). nat began to see my change in response i guess. i didnt even say bye or anythin to de guys. felt emo and upset. whenw alkin away from de guys, i startd to cry. manda said its alright to cry adn such. overwhelmd by sadness coz i startd thinkin bout hanis again. so they walkd with me and i told them that i wanna sit down and talk, and these nice angels agreed to do so despite havin to be home early.
we sat at a playground opp yio chu kang primary and talkd. there were some points durin de chat that i just cant help it but to cry. and i wept when i heard their side of de story. honestly, i dont know why but i just cried when they told me their version. maybe i pitied them. maybe i felt sorry for them or for gettin them into my unpleasant atmosphere. or maybe i felt lucky to still somewhad have hanis. i actually wantd to not go home cause my mind is messd up. its like runnin away but yet not. just tho i could destress myself. but nat made me think of my dad and i dcided not to. they kinda prep talkd me and such la. anw nat, manda i thank you guys for those personal experiences. and nat, im so sorry to keep bringin out Mat in our conversations. im sorry to iritate you by repeatedly sayin that i wanna meet him and such. hope you dont find me rude. i dont know why i do that to0. and today was de first time i actually see you cry bcoz of your relationship. i usually read about your 'cryins'. coz you're a tough bitch! wo0 ho0!! lu skill beb..!!
i guess im still lucky. im hopin for de best but i dont wanna dwell on it to0 much. i guess i could be hurt even more if things screw up worst than it can be. i cant be bothered. or so thats whad im feelin now. maybe i dont wanna feel it cause then i'll be more upset and such. de nicest thing i guess was when they said that they think me and hanis can work this relationship out. it was very comfortin. a sense of reassurance. a sense of hope. a sense of happiness.
HANIS
hey there. i hope you're feelin better. at least a lil. i hope by not msgin, you can take de time to think it out and clean up your messy conscience. its really hard for me and i know its de same for you. or even worst. i do hope for de best but i dont wanna have high hopes and such. its painful. very painful at times. not seein any msg from you on my hp was torturous. i do hope you're copin. i'll listen to nat and not disturb you. concentrate on your tournaments. that way, i still hope you know that im still supportin you despite unable to see your matches and msg you words of encouragement. Jia You! you always tell me that. You can do it to0! go finals. shave. i wanna see you bald de next time we get de chance to meet. im willin to sacrifice for you. for love. for de relationship. for us. i still care and love you. lastly, please dont forget or avoid eatin. i wanna know that you're takin care of yourself and that you dont keep your stomach empty. its a simple request/favour i have for you. with that, i just wanna thank you for evrythin that we have gone thru and that you've done for me. whadever it is, i'll wait.
broken by love 9:57 pm
im feelin sick now. very weak and helpless. cause i read his blog.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
theres no point in goin scho0l and thinkin of scho0l. so im thinkin of meetin nat. or just come knockin on her do0r in de morn.
i feel so..... i dont know whad to say. its an unpleasant feeling, thats all.
things can go well for others, and bad for us. and vice versa. im receivin de former.
i found this poem on johans friends blog. i find it damn sweet and i told her i'll give her credits. its done by sara and she did this on her own. original. i find it so damn sweet that i could relate to it. i thought 'we' could relate to it. now, i guess, its just a dream..
Love me when I'm old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let's be randy bad old dears
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures
Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
Teach me how to speak the lingo
Bone my eels and bring me tea
Show me how it's meant to be
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love-handles
As the need for love enthrals
Wrestle with my dampproof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it's true
I've waited all my live for you.
for a person who doesnt even liked or had feelings for her boyfriend way before, its kinda shockin for someone like me to actually not want to let go despite de waves crashin and storm blowin at her. i think i would have survived de tsunami..
but not this.
broken by love 11:57 pm
i guess its true that you have to keep yourself busy so as not to think to0 much about things.
i was busy helpin out to bake de pineapple tarts tis mornin. now that its done and i decided to do my homework, my mind is filled with hanis.
i cant concentrate on my work, with de fact that i dont know how to do. ive got an accounts test tmrw and i cant uunderstand a shit bout accounts.
hanis msged me this mornin, saying that he cant say that he loved me. not at that time at least. it was unexpected but hey, i told him that before. so then i knew how it felt but im okay. i told him so and that as long as he dont make any stupid decision again, im fine.
i guess hes relly confused. talked out with nat and she too agreed that hanis is taking things a tad too seriously on practically evrything that are matters of de heart.
i really wanna help him. but i really dont know how since he himself dont know whads wrong.
i heard he bloggd. im gona check out his and nats blog.
i heard someone called me a bitch on my taggie. well, it doesnt matter. cause i know im one and i dont deny it at least.
i miss hanis.. and i love you know..
broken by love 11:10 pm
ive just ended malay lesson. it was freakin fun cause we didnt do any werk. we just played this sorta game or get-to-know game. we have to fill in names of people who suit certain instances/boxes. for example, i know how to read de Koran. but then, when most of de boxes are filled up, im left with those that i dont even thought of. theres this one box that actually made me laugh and i never thot i would end up writing in it. its de "..like guys with chest hair.." i was like eew!! but i had not choice cause they shove it to me and me bein nice, i just make do with whads left.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
well, im not that nice. im a bitch. okay, before this activity, we had this sorta about-me piece of paper where you wrote about yourself, your likes and dislikes, and other people will write about you. so under dislike, i said that im happy today so i dont feel like i dislike anythin. then i mentioned that i hate myself when i hurt peoples feelings and i that i m tryin to control myself from doin it la.
well, i manage to all this while.. all except for today. so far its today la. i wrote in amalias paper that she's bitchy and something else that i cant recall.. im bein honest here. i guess there are alot of people who agree with me but dont dare to write such stuffs la.. anw, turns out she wrote something nice for me and i felt bad. she found it was me cause i guess my handwrittin was recognisable, ija told me that la.. she said i was her motivation.. well, just now durin pe, i was like encouragin her and ran with her all la.. i dont hate her or anythin fyi.. i just hope that she can know her mistakes and stuff like that.. that was whad cikgu said la.. dont write de positive only.. so i did it la.. i wrote de negative.. as a representation of those who do agree..
well, im not that go0d and i knew that.. cause i got this one comment that i was "over" and that i tried too hard for attention. i couldnt help it but to laugh. its really cool to find out whad others think about you.. there are of cause lots of crappy and sweet/nice comments.
ouh.. and i wrote to this girl something bad. see, there are 2 hafizahs in my level. one from my class, who is de president for student councillor, and de otehr is a... another hafizah la. so when i saw de name, i i just wrote "you've made us proud!" and then i realised that there were 2 hafizahs. i checkd de class and boy i was referrin to de wrong one. so i cancelled and i wrote something funny (it was sarcastic and evil as well) you see, theres was one time earlier this year, where she had to tell somethin bout herself to de whole malay class and she said that she got caught for smokin before and stuff la.. but she quitted, thats whad she claims. and de guys kinda madefun of her cause she's quite nerdy and she lo0ks like she's a pretty nice gerl. taht was why alot of us were quite shocked to find out bout that. so whad i wrote in her paper, after cancellin de "you've made us proud!" comment, was.. "eh, lets smoke pot (ganja) la.." somethin along that line.
yes, im evil. i should die and rot in hell. and i stink. someone im so not closed to agree with me. well, at least she's honest. cause she was behind me and i said that i stank and she responded la. was shockd though to hear from her. so i wrote in her paper that she's straightforward. right on. it was a cool activity.
i guess people thing i try to hard to get attention because of today. okay, i had pe and then i played soccer with de guys after pe. yatie joined too. anw, after de game, which was during our break, i went to de canteen with khairuz. i was wearin my fbt and my slippers. i wore my fbt underneath my pe shorts you see cause when i changed i couldnt be bothered to remove my fbt. and i took out my slippers from my locker cause my feet felt warm and all la after de circuit trg and soccer. i was drenchd and alot of people kept askin "eh you bathe ah?" "eh you swim is it?".. and i dint change till mlay class. and i came in late. cause we played soccer durin our break period and 10 min before de bell rang, we went to de canteen. so came in malay class late. and i was still wearin slippers. i did notice that people were givin me de lo0ks and like whisperin bout me la. told ija that but ija bein my sis and de nicest fella said that they werent gossipin bout me and stuffs, they were talkin bout cikgu and some other things..
sigh.. well, as long as my close buddies/mates/friends dont judge me, i'll still do whad im comfortable with..
and hey, i get alot of "sporty" "sports freak" "friendly" and things like that too kay.. so im not that bad after all.
i gave my friends a kiss on their head and hugs and taps for encouragement and for their effort.. im tryin to change.. for de better. umm.. with one failed attempt today.one.
oh and terrence.. im sorry to kick de ball at your *bleep*. hope i did hit you at your thigh, like whad you told me..
yesterday was de crappiest MONDAY. right khairuz? nat? me and khairuz SUPPOSEDLY went to study but in de end we left for harbour front with nat. khairuz was freakd out by this guy at coffee bean, who nat thot lo0ks like sidek, cause that guy kept eyein him. that was funny sal! and i saw huda after so many centuries!!! still very huda-ish. heh.
my initial idea of goin to harbour front was to get somethin for hanis and go into his school and passed it to him. hah! yes, crazy. kept havin that idea since yesterday mornin. that was why i wore de saints tee, so that i can blend in with de sajc-ians. but i dint though. cause we went to chinatown instead. they psycho (and psycho. inside joke.) into gettin this tote bag. well, there were tonnes of nice things i wanted at both harbourfront and chinatown. i bought a ring at harbour front's montip. actually, we wanted to go to little india. anw, theres banquet at harbour front fyi. at one far off corner on de ground floor.
anw, NAT, i wanna meet your Mat!!!! and i ::euphoric:: wanna meet Mat's fren!!!!! you know who.... i want i want i want!!!!
okay. stopi siti. maintain. like whad maira said. somethin bout maintain fit..
i need to crap. and i stink. maybe after goin to de gym, i shall bathe. or just wet myself. or borrow de chis toiletries.
and peeps...
GUA SKILL BEB! SAAAAKKK... LU SKILL AH SITI..
Teros.. KEDI MA'ON SAKK...
we should go out more often. khairuz is learnin "To Be A Better Man". and guys from boy scho0l are hot and so sweet and gentlemanly!!!! sweet thang!!
thats why i love Hanis so much.
broken by love 12:09 pm
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.
If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
im sexy.. im cool.. im ready to boot de scho0l!
DARK CRIMSON
??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla
deadley..
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
im still getting that...!!!!
Hanisiti 22 december 2005 - ????
broken by love 12:09 pm
i realised that we didnt get to buy de engraved rings. we had wanted a ring each, engtraved with a 'hanisiti'. "HANISiti" for me and "haniSITI" for him.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
it didnt came true either..
broken by love 3:10 pm
i guess it really has ended.
i read this off his blog.
May Day
May Day. Labour (day). Basically, it's a holiday. Yet, the words bring out sounds of panic and pain. Panic and Pain.
Hanisiti (22/12/03 - 02/05/05)
Panic and Pain.
i really dont know whads wrong with me. i can be so upset at times and then have a nothing-happened lo0k. im not feelin a thing now. but if i recall and think of him, i'll start weeping.
to jill: hey, i really really do love him. i know he's hurtin now. i guess im goin to let him have his time first. let him have space. maybe when he's done thinkin or starts feelin empty without me (i highly doubt that lo0kin at de massacre ive caused. with me, its almost de same as not havin me since i dont encourage and support him as much he does.) its really tough. seeing this --> Hanisiti (22/12/03 - 02/05/05) -- on his blog crushes all hope. ad when you gave me that option of changing, i actually didnt know whad to do. should i follow my heart and change? will i keep to that change or will i hurt him again? or should i just wait for him to recover? time heals all wounds right? thats de thing. i dont want him to heal from de wound. im not being selfish or anything. my view of 'healin de wound' is equivalent to forgettin me as his girlfriend. basically i just dont want him to treat me as a friend, a mutual friend, if he eventually heals from it. i may seem very mean and evil and queen controling but deep down, i still love him. but then, despite sayin that i love him, i still hurt him. ironic huh?
my friend made me realised that my bluntness have affected many, includin my beloved boyfriend, and in return, its de one that i love that has counter me back. i know that he'd never want to hurt me. my friend told me that by keeping to herself on whad i had done, she has actually made me spreadin my disease. that was why she wasnt really shocked to know that we broke up. i guess hanis was like that too. i really dont wanna say negative things about hanis but its just that whad my friend said could be true. she said that he should have told me whad i did wrong despite de fact that my feelins could be hurt. but he dint. and she dint to0. that was why they both had let off steam on me. im evil. really really evil. ive hurt so many innocent beings. plus, i didnt know that they actually were hurt by me since i usually said it jokinly. i do mean it at times, to be mean. to let my anger off my chest. and in de end, hurting those i loved. i really dont know whad to say. or do. should i change? i dont wanna hurt him again.
i guess i'll cope with it. it really hurts to know that we have Officially Broke up. adnd to know it on his blog. i thought yesterday he said that he dint ask for a break up but i guess its evident now that he wants it.
im crushed. i could die for all this. i could just die.
just die.........
broken by love 1:51 pm
updates on my life.
Monday, May 02, 2005
it doesnt seem to0 go0d now.
well, firstly, i decided not to go for my scho0ls cip overseas trip to thailand for a few reasons. one: i cant afford it. two: it to0 much preparation which also mean taking to much of my time. lastly: i wanted to spend more time with hanis.
but i highly doubt that i can do much fo rmy last reason.
this was whad i managed to write early this mornin after i realised de seriousness of de situation and after all my bawling in de toilet.
i to0k a photo of myself to show him tht i lo0k pretty on saturday. i talked to my cousins till in de early sunday mornin and i was very confident about us being together. i imagined us marrying. i thought i was lucky.
well, i guess you guys get my point. i really dont think that i hate him. i am though, upset for whad he decided to do. but i dont blame him. maybe just a bit. most of it i have to put de blame on myself. i dont deny de problems that i admit, ive caused. whether directly or indirectly. in my thoughts, everytime i tried to somehow blame him, i cant. there is always some reason that will back him up. that really shows that it is mostly my fault and that whad he did, has a reason. that is why, as much as it hurts me, as much as it caused me to nearly have asthma attack, i let him go.
then its de after effects. after meetin at macritchie and tried letting go, i went to hougang point to meet up with natasha and nisa. i already had thoughts of suicide. i even told hanis that. not that i wanted to la.he asked me where i was goin after our meet and i said i dont know, maybe drown myself and i gave a little laugh. he made me promise to not do such things or anything stupid for that matter. there was a part of me that really felt like revenging, to teach him a lesson. no, more to make him regret for decidin such a fo0lish thing - separating. i was to0 emotional then but i realised it so0n enough, and i dont think i would wanna lose my life, in case i can get him back. me being me, i even begged for his understandin and to not leave me. but i realised after a pause, a no response, that i was stupid. stupid enough to think that i could change his mind. that was somehwhad whad i had in mind when i decided to meet him today, tellin him that he did owe me a meet-up.
oh god, de things i had in mind. i told him bout drownin right? but i promised him that i wont do it. i was then thinkin of overdosin. de perfect act of suicide. but i dint wanna die. i just wanna be hospitalised and made him realise his mistake, that i would do stupid selfish things to myself because of this. because of him. beacuse i love him. but i was afraid that if i would really have died, i would lose him forever. i would miss de chance, de possibility of gettin him back. back in my arms.
i didnt regret on anythin that we've done. honestly, we've really gone far. far for a 16 months long relationship. my only regret is to god. and i really do wish that he regret this. im sorry, but i cant help sayin that. my heart is still open for him. whad if one day it closes? and that is de time, de time that he tries to squeeze thru de little cracks. he can barely made it, and i can barely reach out to help him.
i fell asleep in de car after accompanyin to send my grandfather to my aunts and there was a someone who made a dedication and i heard jamie yeo sayin a "...hanis. life doesnt suck..." something like so. i could hear it in between my sleep cause i had reached my carpark. my bro went "along (big sis), someone mentioned hanis..." whadever. i have a feelin it was referrin to my hanis. or at least, used to be mine.
i have a list of things to remind myself of our 16 month long relationship. de longest i (or should i say 'we') have so far.
i ran away from home. he came down to punggol park de moment i told him where i was. de beginning of a beautiful journey.
i kept lo0kin out for him durin de national track and field in july in 2003 after i first saw him there. when i first saw him after so long (he quitted religious class), i found him very go0d lo0king. well, i used to find him not that go0d lo0kin.
coffee bean at hougang point. my second home. he thought me maths and science. physics to be exact. one day, with raihana as well. that girl even said that we would be an item. and i went like "eee!! nolah, we're just bruder and sister." yeah, some squeaky denial. and i had to run after him to hand him back his foolscap paper which he had left behind.
bruder-sister days. de beginnings of this love story which had somewhad ended. de days being away from him, i couldnt talk on de phone with him, cause he went on a holiday to australia. he made de effort to message me from there usin his mom's phone, tellin me that australia is beautiful, de glow worms in de nature reserve, de view of de starful night and how he wished i was there. and i imagined along when i received his message. de volcom cap and de necklace.
22nd december 2003. we went to changi airport where he gave me a hug from behind which tinggles all thru my body. (i really wish that was de feelin of love so i guess i believed in it). anw, he whispered that he loves me. (yup, that was love alright) or was it he misses me lots? both ways. it started from that very incident.
hockey season caused alot of misunderstandings. (nothin much. i cant remember de bad memories)
on de 6th month, i received 2 beautiful flowers. it wasnt rose but it didnt matter. it was lovely as it is. i still have de pic in my camera.
he went to vietnam to see his dad. his parents bought for me a very nice cloth. he bought me a red tee with a yellow star smacked in de center. we both have it. a flip mirror and a coconut monkey. saying 'i love you'. i missed him.
de first break up that i asked for and it didnt happen. i was shakin like i was havin a fit. i couldnt control. but i managed to do so today. im not even cryin now.
those things couples do. de intimate moments. de hugs kisses cuddles smooches. de passion. de love. i dont regret any of it now. those are sweet memories. ended in a blink of an eye.
he said we were very physical lately. oh, it wasnt really 'we'. it was me. i agree. i dont know why. my faith is slowly losing. im so scared. astarghfirullahalazhim.
my bron file which i gave him and i got it back with a heart shaped coloured paper with his own hard work on our 1 year anniversary. those time consumin 'i love you's on each rice grain.
we shared de amount for de cam. i wanted a didgtal camera and he had wanted to pay for it too. many memories caught on that cam.
de yellow adidas shoes which he wore for his matches. i bought it for him for his birthday gift. he told me he liked that shoe. and on de first match which he wore it to, he scored a goal. he said it was de shoe. it was special.
de hari raya outing with my former class last year, 04b5. we wore black. we lo0k so compatible. my friends can relate to him. everyone in scho0l knows him. well, most of them who know me, knows my other half.
those (grandmother) nenek-hanis incidents. nenek shouted from my house to us, under de block. it wasnt an angry shout. she was askin hanis to come up to my house! he had no choice.
oh, de (mother) ibu-hanis incidents. my mom purposely speak malay to him. i only found out few days before my birthday when i visited my cousin, mamai, in hospital. she observed hanis, sayin that she knew that hanis couldnt understand whad she was sayin as he lo0kd blur and was concentratin hard on her lips. funny.
he visited my dad when he was sick. he visited my auntie when she gave birth to my cousin lynn. he wished my cousin mamai to get well. he clickd with my family. nenek loves him. i still remembered de day after she got to know and approved, we went out to catch a movie. nenek reminded us, "jangan romen-romen eh" which means no hanky panky ah. he said "ah" and smiled.
de movies we watch! so many. 5o first dates. i think that was de first. de 'jangan romen romen' one. haunted mansion, scary movie3, troy, constantine. spongebon and spiderman2 we watched with my bros tagged along. he was very nice to them.
he paid for a lot of things. mostly when we go out to eat. i tried when i can to pay for my own food but sometimes he refuses. also for times when im broke. i still have not ask him out to a buffet where i would pay.esp on one of our anniversary. it doesnt seem to happen.
my birthday gift. my billabong bag which is costly. he had wanted to buy me an ipod shuffle if i hadnt had anythin in mind. oh, he lost his bagful of stuffs which added up, cost almost a thousand bucks around a week before my birthday. he still bought me that bag.
de card photos we to0k at bugis. de kappa shoes he bought for me and himself at bugis.
those sent-me-home-till-under-my-block affairs. no matter how late, he'll still wanna send me home. so sweet.
de identical stuffs we had. i love havin identical stuffs. first it was our own stuff. my green adidas and his grey ones. then comes our identical puma tees, kappa shoes, red tees with yellow star, billabong wallets (he lost his in that airwalk bag), puma watterbottles (which i left in scho0l last friday not sure whether its still there) and wristbands.
de song we had for us. happy together by simple plan. and those songs that'll make me squeal in delight when i hear it from your i-pod. those songs that i like and couldnt get to hear much of. mungkin nanti and another one about 'you broke my heart' by peterpan, its all about you by mcfly, move ya body by nina sky.. you made de effort to upload it on your ipod de night before we meet de next day, just so i could hear it.
i'd better stop. my grandmother wants to sleep and my bedro0m light is on.
and i doubt that this wound will heal.. it does forget about today's incident now and then but i dont think it'll go away..
i dont want it to go away. that would mean everything - de memories - will go away too. and i definitely dont want him to go away. at least not this way.
i love you still hanis. very much. de hurts ive caused you is understandable. i dont fault you for all these. you've been a very understandin, freakin patient boyfriend. i guess i would be at a great loss if i lose you with de fact that you've been so patient with me. no one could ever tahan me as much as you do. i to0k you for granted and now, i wished that i hadnt made those mistakes. you sacrificed so much and i returned back so little. i thought being physical -hugs and kisses- was enough since we were keen on it recently. i hope you dont feel guilty or regret anythiin durin this experience, this wonderful journey. i didnt. i would want to thank you for your support and encouragements even though i gave you none. i know you still love me, even though not as much as you used to. it hurts to know so but i dont blame you. well, hope you'll be happier now. no sarcasm intended. i have not read anythin from your blog if you did blogged. maybe after this long and meaningful entry.
and just so you know, my heart is still open for you.. for as long as i can hold on.. hold on to my dreams. my future.
oh and did you guys know that i actually had wanted to be engaged with hanis? like now, when im still scho0ling just so that i dont wander of with some guy? i was thinkinof it like a few days ago. thats how fast god didnt want it to happen. oh well, i'll wait. guess it's my turn now huh? 4 more years..? insya allah, with gods will.
i love you hanis. i wont forget you. and i dont forgive you. cause it wasnt your fault. i love you.
broken by love 11:21 pm